I was listening to the Calgary Transit theme song by Biffy Clyro while writing this post.

Cloud of Stink
[audio:http://www.blig.ca/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/10-Cloud-of-Stink.mp3|titles=Cloud of Stink]

See what I did there with the headline? It’s called the CTrain, and I’m doing a rant in C mi…never mind.

I rode a brand new train this morning. It still had that new Stink smell.

When these new trains were purchased, both Calgary Transit and city hall tried to spin it so those of us who are frequent riders would think we were being looked after. They said “The seating plan allows for more standing room.” Really? That seems like horse shit to me.

Since when is more standing room “better”? When was the last time Cineplex proudly announced that all their new theatres had more standing room? I’ll tell you when; NEVER. Because more standing room is a stupid idea. There was an April Fool’s joke in which an airline was said to be considering standing room only seats. People went mental. Unfortunately, no similar reaction here. Just doe-eyed compliance.

I guess that’s appropriate though. What are we going to do about it? The trains were purchased without any input from the public, and then announced. You can’t cancel a contract like that without it costing a boat load of cash. Just ask the federal Liberals who once cancelled a major helicopter contract….bad example…now they want to do the same with a fighter jet contract. Some people never learn.

But I digress.

I haven’t actually measured the seat width on any StinkTrain (new or old) yet, but I will. The new ones seem narrower, despite the fact that people are getting fatter. I spent half an hour this morning thigh-to-thigh with a Lane Bryant model. I had to work with no pants on for the first 20 minutes while my Vietnamese house-girl executive assistant soaked up the moisture with a Sham Wow. They’re dry now, but I doubt if that sweat stain will ever come out.

The Stripper's Union is furious

They installed a different kind of pole on these trains. They split into three branches. I guess that’s required since so many goddamn people are going to be standing up. It’s pretty non-stripper friendly though. Or maybe I’m being short-sighted. Maybe it’s VERY stripper friendly. Three poles = three strippers. I’ve re-considered. The new poles are potentially the only redeeming feature of the new StinkTrain.

My view on the morning commute. They aren't even nice pants.

You know what’s not cool though? All the seats face toward the centre aisle. That means the entire journey is spent trying to avoid looking at somebody’s crotch. This wouldn’t be as bad if there was a stripper express I could ride or something, but most of the people on the train need Jenny Craig and/or a bath. *Sad face*

Being 16 inches from a strangers unwashed genitals is bad enough, but this seating position also puts you in the perfect position to be a virus receptacle. So many people have no idea what to do when they cough or sneeze. It’s remarkable. They think that scrunching up their eyes and/or attempting the medically impossible task of “stifling” is sufficient. At best, they’ll put a hand over their mouth (note to armed forces everywhere; gas masks are no longer required. Just put your hand over your mouth. It will work fine.)

If a StinkTrain rider sneezes, you’ve got a better than 50/50 chance of getting sprinkled. Saying “sorry” or excuse me” after the fact is of no value, and in fact usually only serves to piss me off more than I already am. I’m going to develop a new Rube Goldberg influenced martial art so that when this happens in the future, my arm – which conveniently has a fist attached to it – will extend directly in front of me like one of those steam driven pistons they use to launch jets from an aircraft carrier. As we have already established that the sneezer’s genitals are only 16″ away, and my arm is at least 17.5″ long (maybe more), this will likely discourage future sprinklings for me and all other future StinkTrain riders who might share space with the sneezer.

Thank Clapton cycling season has arrived.